Waiting on Love: In the Meantime

I woke up this morning very emotional. For one thing, I missed Dannette yesterday on her Birthday. I didn't get to talk to her to hear from her since she was away on business. For another thing being sick is taking it's toll, and finally I will admit it's that time of month (I hate using that as an excuse but it's true). I had a dream last night that I was with someone- a composite of some of the men I have loved and lost. I forget what it feels like to be held and loved, even if it is just for the physical needs. I have been abstinent for over two years now, since the twins were conceived, and I'm not bragging, just saying it was a necessary component to my healing and truly loving myself. I don't feel lonely at all, but waking up after that dream, all the memories and lost feelings of loving came flooding to me. What is it about human nature that makes us want to be held and loved? It's a natural response of course. But it's so easily misused and abused. I am reminded of I Corinthians 6-7 where Paul says that it would be better if Christians could be single so they could spend their time on the things of the Lord. But, he says, it's better to marry than to burn. I don't plan on getting married just to fufill the lust of the flesh, or because of the desire to be held. But I wonder sometimes if I will ever have those loving feelings again. Sometimes I'm jaded, thinking that all men are this way and that way-it's no use; on the other hand, I look at Barack and Michelle and feel so hopeful that true love is real and out there waiting for me. Very conflicting feelings...

I know this is kind of deep, but this blog is about being transparent, so someone else can read and get in touch with how they feel. I'd love to hear back from my singles. Tell me how you are staying "kept" and if you are doing your thing, how do you handle the widespread Aids, Herpes, etc. epidemic while being sexually active. Aids is the leading killer in my age group, 1 in 2 blacks now have herpes, and they have several strains of VDs that are not being treated with traditional medicine. A friend of mine has struggled with Clamydia for two years now!!! That used to be the STD you got and said WHEW! I also found out after I had the twins that 60% of all STDs are transferred with a condom. So much for "safe sex." But above all, my main reason for being abstinent is that I'm not ready to be "one flesh" with anyone who I don't have a real lifetime commitment with. It's not in God's will and it has brought too much stress, drama and scars. It's no secret that I never would have gotten married if I hadn't had Kaissa. In the past, the sex usually came first then the committment. I'm 32, and that's not enough anymore. I want the real thing, not a cheap imitation copy. And I'm willing to wait- even if that means I end up like my Grandma. She married once, and that was it. She never dated or married again (Oh, God please don't let that be my fate).

Well, I'm signing off. I may not post again until Monday. But I really appreciate you all stopping by to hear this little Black Girls Song.

Peace and Love,
Tanikka aka Red Letter