This is my Grandmother, whom I love so dearly: Lillie Adelaide Allman Owusu. She is a caretaker, friend, confidant, philosopher, historian, strong woman of God. She can't cook a lick (I get it honestly) but she knows how to keep her family motivated and always striving. We have gone through a lot but nothing can compare to the situation she was born into down in Popular Bluff, Missouri, just a second generation freed Negro. She went through so much to become the Woman she is now. I'm so proud that she has lived long enough to see Barack Obama run for President. She is so proud of Barack. And she is also (surprisingly) proud of Halle Berry. She sees all the stress and heartache that Berry has gone through in trying to find real love. I think she can identify with Halle Berry in that most of her life she has felt misunderstood. Now, finally, through her battle with cancer, those closest to her are revering her for the Matriarch that she is. Never one to be conventional, she traveled to Africa in the 1950s when Black people thought going to Africa was like "going to the Moon." She was always making her own way in the World, but never wanting to enjoy the fruits of her labor alone. She sacrificed a lot for her children, and in turn, she recieved the rewards that can only come from watching your quiver become more and more full as the years go on. On behalf of your eldest Grandchild: I just want you to know that we love you, support you and stand with you as you win the battle against Cancer and continue raising the next generation.
Love, Margaret (Oscar) Cogdell, [Tanikka Catriece Price {Kalia Monique, Kaissa Imani Assata, Jamir Malachi Israel, Mikaya Christiana Marie, Kiara Amari Mika'el}, Larry Ali (Kenisha) Price {Nathan, Natalia, Nikolas}, Jermain Eric (Hendretta) Scott {Jermain Malachi Israel}, LaShawn Matthew Scott], Benjamin Owusu, [Dante Lamar Anton Owusu {Dante Quameer Malik, Kwamir, }, Michael Owusu, LaTasha Ann Owusu, Khalil Bass Owusu], Lillie (Willie) McClure, [Marquita Dominique Wilson {Eric Eugene Jones}, Edward Alexander Robinson, Briana Arlene Robinson].

Your children are arrows in your hands...Your children's children are a heritage from the Lord. I bless God for you in everyway.

Living Life Like It's Golden

One thing we should have learned by now is that life is too short. We can think of plenty of people who died too young and we shook our heads and thought surely it would never be us. We think of our own mortality and the inevitable ending of those we love the most. But sometimes it is a shock when we have to face losing those people who mean the most to us. This is the way it is with my Grandma. She's 85, which is old to a lot of people. But her mother lived to be 100 years old, so my family has an unnatural idea of how long people should live. However, over the last couple of weeks I was forced to deal with my Grandmother's mortality. I took her to the ER after she seemed to be battling the flu/gastrointeritis. It had hit the whole family but she was having a hard time recuperating. A CT scan of the adominal showed Colon Cancer. Initially, I was in denial and refused to believe that she was that sick. However, after the tumor was removed in surgery two days later, a biopsy confirmed that it was cancer. I've been in shock and trying to deal with the implications of a woman I think is so strong being weak. She came home in a week and is recuperating, but she's not the same Grandma (yet). I remain optimistic, but I also remain dedicated to the fact that each day could be the last (for any of us) and that I need to live each day to the fullest. Who is on your list that you have not called yet, or emailed in a while, or kissed, hugged or spent time with. God is good and always provides what we need when we need it. I'm not saying it has been easy. But each day gets a little easier as I see God's hand carefully guiding my family through yet another storm. I had to return to this blog because 'soaring through the storm' has certainly been the teme for the past few years. In His Love....Nique

I need a break

Have you ever just wanted to push the pause button on your life? That's where I am today. I'm in a spot that is so uncomfortable, I just want to sleep through the rest of winter. I'm the kind of person who really takes life by the horns. I don't take alot of timeto sit back and reflect (for good or bad). But this past month I did a 21 day Daniel fast, got the flu for three weeks and sat for the 3rd time to take the Ohio State Bar Exam. I am so tired. I took off a week and tried to rest, but it wasn't enough. Now, today, as I cleaned my house from top to bottom after 45 days of neglect, I found an entry in my oldest daughter's diary that brought me to my knees. She was venting after getting in trouble for not having her room clean (literally the only thing she ever gets in trouble for) and she called me the "B" word in her diary. Not the actual word but she said the B-word. I have prided myself on parenting being the one thing I've done right amidst all the other failings, but this really took the air out of me.

Coming from the childhood I was brought up in, I can't imagine her seeing me that way. I feel so ashamed, like I've failed, and at the same time, I know this comes with the pre-teen/teen angst. But not this daughter...

I've dealt with this type of stuff from her father, my ex-husband, ex-mother-in-law, honestly even my own parents, calling me names; but I never thought it would come from my baby. This is a hard one to overcome, so until the pain stops throbbing, I'd like to hit pause, party away the pain and then come back home.

Abuse

Abuse. Such a heavy word. Even though we all may have been spanked or yelled at, you felt it in the pit of your stomach when it crossed the line. "Stupid." "You can't ever do anything right." Or the Proverbial unexpected slap for the look you had on your face; the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you came home and the screen was locked, and you knew that meant you were going to be beat; living in terror day in and day out; hurting, yet so numb that you can no longer cry, scream, or run; you ball into a fetal position, try to protect your face from the blows and and waiting for the rage to end.

I don't like thinking about those years from 10-16 years old. It was the best of times. The worst of times. I hid what was going on from everyone but my best friend Christina Hodge. I was dressed so nicely, my hair always done, I had the latest gadgets and trinkets.... But I lived in silent terror. School was my out, my chance to be free. But my home may as well have been Amityville Horror for how I felt getting off the school bus. Seventh grade was especially rough. I didn't get it much that year but my youngest brother did. He was a bed wetter who was punished every morning before school for his trangression. Those scenes will never leave my mind. I can still see his four year old eyes looking up at me saying "Help me. Do something." But I couldn't.

It took years of forced counseling in college to be able to admit that it was Abuse. I got in a fight with "Little Wendy" and the administrators at Vassar gave me the option of counseling to get at the root of my "anger issues" or I would be expelled. "I'll take counseling for $500 Alex." In counseling, I made excuses, just like it was easier to say "he took it too far" than to say "rape." But my therapist was determined to get beneath the tough exterior and get to the pain. When I begin to tell her about my childhood, she said: "You were abused." I didn't believe her for a long time. But one day I said it, "I was abused." Naming what happened to you helps you reclaim your power. There wasn't anything more you could've done to stop it; you couldn't have been more pretty, more smart, more quiet, more better-nothing. It say it wasn't you fault. It was a decision someone else made that hurt you. I've lived as damaged goods for so long, because children of abuse become silent complicitors in the shame, guilt and rage cycle of the abusive parent. For years I told myself it was my fault because it's easier to think I can change my behavior and stop the abuse than to surrender to the fact that it was inevitable. But as a pre-teen, instead of internalizing the abuse and trying to change, I began to rebel. If I'm so bad, and I'm going to get in trouble anyway, I might as well earn some of these thrashings! Rebellion is so ingrained that at times I have rebelled without even knowing why. Rebel without a cause. But I have learned to appreciate authority (well, at least I'm working on it). And to have knowledge and wisdom to know when to follow someone and when to do my own thing.

Abuse hurts. And children of abuse must acknowledge the abuse without hating or demonizing the abuser; grieve for the loss of safety and security you experienced as a child; and make a conscious effort to work towards your own healing. the Bible says "Physician, heal thyself." There is nothing wrong with therapy, or getting the aid of a life coach (I'm available) to get you through the hump. I am a parent who has crossed the line with my children soI know how easy it is when thats all you know. But when I hit them in anger, I was transparent with them about my past, I cried out for help, asked for forgiveness, made changes and witnessed reconciliation. We need to be healed. Whether you experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse the pain won't go away by itself. The scars are there and may be evident to everyone but you. For years people have wondered, "why is she so smart, yet self destructive, rebellious, can't pass the bar, divorced, can't keep a job?" Hopefully by showing you my scars, I'm opening the bandages so these wounds can get some much needed fresh air and finally

Heal and Close.

Knowing God in these Uncertain Times

It's been rough, ya'll, battling the flu. I really don't know what's going on in the atmospheric pressure but it was 60 degrees on Sunday and now it's snowing like it's Christmas. I just try to make sure that I am working on my relationship with God because things in this World are growing increasingly uncertain. I'm shocked and extatic about how Obama is doing nationwide. His message of Change and Truth is resonating. I knew he was electrifying and powerful, but I must admit, I never thought White men would embrace him the way they have. Perhaps, since he is half-white and half-african, they don't see him as being "black." Whatever it is, I just hope that the man is all he seems to be...Then perhaps we will have a fighting chance.

My jewels for today surround my struggle with sprituality/religion/Christianity. Most people know that my Dad is a Baptist minister and my Mom was a Pentacostal missionary growing up. I left the faith when I was in college and became disenchanted with organized religion. My oldest daughters father lacked faith and was very influential in picking apart my belief in Christ. In this case what I didn't know hurt me and crippled my ability to stand up for something I had believed so wholeheartedly. As I learned about Karl Marx and religion being the "opiate of the masses" I felt duped. My new intellectualism eventually gave way to hedonism and I began to indulge in sex, drugs and lascivitous living (I can say that now and still run for President someday thanks to Obama).

My lifestyle led me to unplanned pregnancy, failing grades in college, rape, STDs, despair, and self-loathing. But one day, when I had finally had enough of the darkness, I had a personal encounter with Christ. Like David in the Psalms, I sought the Lord with my whole heart and He heard my disparing cry. I felt the love and the presence of God in a way I cannot describe. Many people who have a conversion experience talk of the same feeling. I tell people who doubt the validity of God- just call him sincerely- He will make himself known to you. Anyway, I searched for answers to the question of why people go to church and yet are hypocrites and I found the answer in the Bible.

If you have your Bible, turn with me to the Book of Luke, chapter 8 when you have it say amen. (I love when they say that at church, I just always wanted to say that) If you don't have a Bible, there are plenty of online Bible sites, including Crosswalk.com. When you have a chance, read verses 1-19, but for the sake of brevity: I'm just concentrating on verses 11-16. Basically Jesus is telling the disciples why some people can hear the Word of the Lord and the message of salvation and not have any change.

Vs. 12- Some hear, but the enemy comes and takes the Word from their heart before they can accept Christ. I know many people who don't believe in anything anymore. Life has been so cruel to them that they can't concieve of a Savior, a good life, or anything better than where they have been. These people are never even open to the idea of a Savior who will love them unconditionally and provide them with a better life.

Va. 13-Next, there are those who hear, and recieve the Word with joy, but they have no root and when they are tempted they fall away. These are the people who find Christ and then they are so excited. But as soon as they have a bad day, or experience dissapointment, they are back at the club, or back drinking and smoking, to heck with going to Church. They didn't realize that a relationship with Christ is just that- a relationship. This is not like drugs- you take it and feel better without dealing with your problems. There are ups and downs to life, but the point to Christ is not that he will take the bad away, but that He is there through the good and bad times.

Vs. 15-Next there are some who go to church, but they never grow to manifest Christ because of the cares, riches and pleasures of this life. Instead of focusing on what they can become through the Kingdom of God, they are burdened with all the problems and issues of the World, and consequently, they do not grow. These are the mean Ushers and Deacons that we know that keep us from wanting to go to church. They are mean because their eyes are on themselves and thier problems instead of God and the solutions.

Vs. 16-Finally, those who are on good ground have a honest and good heart and keep the Word in their heart. These are the people whose lives bring forth fruit with patience. These are the quiet Christians, the ones whose faith makes a difference but they don't have to proselytize. The lady who smiled at you for no reason; the stranger who paid for my dinner one night; the many angels who touch our lives without looking for anything in return. They have allowed the Word of God to transform them and they aspire to help change the World. No one embodies this more than Barack Obama in today's society. His quiet, gentle manner makes you listen and believe what He says. After a self-serving President, who didn't even try to appease his critics, it is refreshing to see someone so meek and humble.

No one can make an overnight metamorphisis, but change without Christ is very hard. I invite you to explore a relationship with Jesus Christ. Accept Him into your heart and try His love for yourself. It was the best decision I could have made: after Islam, Yoruba, Santaria, Voodoo, Ba'hism, Confucism, Rastafarianism, Catholism, you name it I tried it, there was only one who could soothe me in my midnight hour and calm my restless soul. Knowing Jesus isn't about being perfect, in fact, because of His grace and Mercy we don't have to be. But we do have to try evach and every day to be a little more like Him.

I've never discussed my personal relationship in such a public forum, but I just wanted to drop a little gem and let you know that He is waiting with open arms. Try Jesus. If He doesn't work, you can always go back to what you've been doing. I love you so much that I wanted to share my gift...

Still Black History Month

It’s 2008 and we’re still black
Naw, no more chains on our arms or whips poised above our backs
But see the job was done real well in those cotton fields down South
To make us think we were inferior, hold our heads down, watch our mouth
Cause what they gon’ think if we get to complaining
So we let them do all the talking during campaigning
Ain’t nobody in the White House thinking about me
Plus, I’m straight, I got social security
Better think again, they spending my Social Security in Iraq
Cause it’s 2008, and they know I’m still black
They bettin’ on 30% of us showing up at the polls
And us walking away if our name ain’t on the rolls
But what if we decided today
That this time, naw, we ain’t go walk away
Na, we gon march, and stand, and look them dead in the eye
Realizing that Black History is as American as Apple pie
See that street light outside wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for us
Neither would the guitar, cell phone, or the COTA bus
We been inventin since we arrived here in chains
Not for them, but to make our life easier as slaves
But life done got too easy since we been earning minimum wage
And now we got minimum expectations, turning away while this war we wage
It’s not in Iraq, it’s about being 2008 and still being black
And black with all it’s negative connotations
Is as far from white as could possible be, and ain’t no negating
So before you sit quietly while injustice is still alive
Think of what it means to be an African-American, remember true Black pride.

Grandmother's Love

Dedicated to Lily Carter-Peterson, Angie Tondu Solomon's mother, Lula Mae Sharpley, and Anais' Grandmother.

Today I salute one of my best most wonderful women in my life, My Grandmother, Lillie Adelaide Allman Owusu. I praise God that he has given me another year to celebrate with my Grandmother. She turns 85 today. Although at times I get a little overwhelmed with my responsibilities, I know that she is in the right place when she is with me. We fit together like two peas in a pod. I praise God for keeping her in good health-she's not on any medications, and she can use the bathroom and wash-up on her own without assistance. She helps with the kids, cooking and we have great conversations. I don't take her presence in my life for granted. I just ask God to help me keep the perspective that I am blessed to have her in my life. I know that many of my closest friends have lost Grandmothers. I am thinking of you and loving Grandma, holding onto Grandma, cherishing Grandma for all of us.

Anais, although you won't have this earthly relationship with your Grandma, know that she is covering you and interceding for you and being the best Angel Grandma she can be. When you are in a tough situation, and suddenly you feel calm and know exactly what to do, you are experiencing your Grandmother's love. And Shawn, I know your Lily left too soon. Remember, "There's a Lily, in the Valley, Bright as a Morning Star." But I know she is so proud of how you have stood on your own and paved your own way. You became your own man, and she knew that you couldn't do that if you were worried about her welfare. She is strengthening you and urging you on toward the best that life has to offer, no fear. To Angie Tondu, who had such a strong Mother. She was taken from her precious Grandchildren too soon. And didn't get to hold Maddie. But she holds her when she visits her in dreams, and she knows how much you hurt Angie. But she wants you to live and love and enjoy all the things that she didn't get to enjoy; and hold Louis for dear life. Don't be so concerned with the loss that you don't treasure what remains. She is smiling through you, being strong through you, going on through you. Her life was not in vain and she lives through your laugh, your touch, your mothering. Her memory is honored through the vigor with which you live. Stand in the gap and be all that you can be for your Mother. She is gone too soon, but gone and never forgotten. And finally, the Sharpley family, you lost your Matriarch, the Woman that taught us that Jesus Christ is the most important thing. I love Grandma Lula and miss her dearly. I love that she died just like she lived, on her own terms. She didn't die sick, in the hospital, of those terrible seizures, she died when she knew things were right and she could go softly into that goodnight. She was fearless and went into the arms of Jesus. I cried so hard when I found out her arms were outstretched. Her faith in the Lord was not in vain.

For those that we loved and lost, I salute you all. I will cherish everyday with my Grandma like it could be the last. And when she has gone the last mile of the way, I will need your prayers and strength to let her go and to honor her with what's left of my life. Thank you Lord for our time with our Grandmas.